it’s the last day of 2023 and i’ve seen a lot of people posting retrospectives about the past year, and i think that’s a good thing. it’s good to reflect on the past so you can live your future a little better. but i’m too cool for that, and also 2023 was pretty mediocre and uninteresting for me and frankly most of it feels like it barely happened, so instead I’m going to write an Anterospective for 2024, which is like a retrospective but in reverse, where i predict what the future holds.
no this isn’t a new years resolution it’s totally different. shut up.
social
my social isolation is really the biggest thing impacting my mental health, i think. in 2024 i plan to put forth more effort and take more chances to try to make new friends and to reconnect with those i’ve drifted apart from.
one point that’s important to touch on here is dissociation. in case you don’t know, dissociation is a psychological phenomenon where you feel disconnected from reality, like you’re just watching life happen through your eyes with no agency, or maybe that you feel like you’re in a dream.
i spend a lot of time in my own head. just me, myself, and i, and occasionally daydreams about someone else. there may be a plural thing going on but damned if i know how to even reason about that. i have more pressing issues to worry about at the moment. a big part of this behavior is due to autism, another big part is the complete lack of any irl activities in my life, but one part i can start to dismantle right away is the social isolation.
when there’s no other real people around to ground myself in reality, it’s easy to spend the whole day focused on working on things, or consuming media, or imagining meaningful social interactions instead of seeking them out, and then when the day is gone in a flash, i’m just left feeling lonely and adrift. it’s a tough cycle to break out of, but like all tough problems, it’s easier to handle with support from friends. and i do ostensibly have friends, some very nice people in fact, i just need to make the effort to actually spend time with them.
despite the “just” in the above sentence, i don’t expect this process to be easy or go smoothly, but i can’t let that stop me from trying.
personal
this is probably TMI for basically anyone reading this, but i’m gonna write about it anyway in case someone out there in a similar situation reads it and maybe it helps them. idk.
the point is: my personal hygeine sucks. it’s one of those things that falls by the wayside when my executive function falters (which is always), and it’s easy to convince myself it doesn’t matter when i see literally zero people in meatspace on the average day. but i’m certain my cleanliness has more of an effect on my mental wellbeing than i give it credit for. when i’ve gone too long without showering, i feel gross, and it’s one of those things that’s all too easy to pretend i don’t care about, but i know i do. it’s another little bit of ammunition my brain worms can use against me when my self esteem is flagging. “you can’t even take care of yourself properly”, and so on. and furthermore, it feels good to clean myself up and feel like i’m not a mess for once. so in the coming year i’m going to put more effort into trying to improve my personal hygeine, and i’m fairly confident that i’ll feel better as a result.
professional
i outlined a section here titled “professional” because it sounded good, but that implies that i have some kind of profession or something like that, which i certainly don’t. but i am going back to college for the seventh time (gods i wish that was hyperbole) because i’m nothing if not stubborn, and hopefully this time i’ll actually get that fancy piece of paper that gets you an interview somewhere. we’ll see.
projects
this is the closest thing to an actual “professional” section for me, and even that’s a stretch considering how little portfolio material i have from it. but capitalism aside, my project work as of late has been scattershot at best, and in 2024 i’d really like to get momentum going on something bigger than a little experiment. working on a game with other folks perhaps. that would tie into my social goals too.
i could include here a laundry list of things i’ve been working on, or could be working on, or would like to work on, but i’ve done that plenty of times before and it hasn’t gotten me to actually commit to anything. sure, it’s some nice dopamine when one or two people look at some screenshots and say something nice, but in the grand scheme of things, i need to structure my work and my time more clearly. plus, if i want the dopamine i should be sharing my work regularly instead of squishing it into an update post somewhere.
i do want to write more, though. i enjoy writing and i don’t know why i don’t do it more often, aside from the usual executive dysfunction and autistic inertia. actually it’s probably those things, huh. either way, publishing more writing means having more conversation starters, which is very valuable to me, a person who has no idea how to initiate social interactions (or at least isn’t comfortable with it).
other stuff
before you ask, yes, i literally only started writing this post because i thought up the word “anterospective” and i thought it was clever, but it’s a good idea anyway.
depression-brain already doesn’t want me to post this, and it’s just telling me that this will be something for me to look back on in a year and laugh at how i thought i could improve myself. but to be quite honest, depression-brain needs to shut the fuck up. i’m sick of being bossed around by my own dysfunctional brain and in 2024 i’m gonna disobey it out of pure spite. if i can’t be properly optimistic and hopeful, i’m at least going to weaponize my cynicism to effect some positive change, because i’ve no shortage of that these days.
this post itself is actually part of my planned 2024 activities (even if it’s still 2023 as i write this) because it’s mostly an attempt to get some momentum started with writing. and with remodeling my site, which i “started” ages ago and barely did anything with.
here’s to actually doing things in the new year.